Dear Endocrine System,
I feel I owe you some of you an apology. While you’ve been working so hard to keep my body in balance, I’ve been undercutting your efforts. To those of you I’ve inconvenienced tonight, I’d like to apologize individually.

Pineal Gland. You may be wondering why it is that it’s 6 in the morning and we haven’t gotten a wink of sleep. You may be wondering what the hell is happening to all the melatonin you’ve been pumping into blood all night. You may even see this all-nighter as a personal failure. Don’t feel bad. It’s not your fault. While you’ve been squirting the melatonin, I’ve been chugging the coffee drinks.

That’s also the reason you’ve been working so hard, Pancreas. For all the caffeine those drinks have, they have a lot more raw, adulterated sugar. You’ve been a real champ, pushing out all that insulin. I appreciate it. You’re my favorite gland. Now could you please, PLEASE cut it out with the stomach acid? Isn’t 7 hours of heartburn enough?

Adrenal Glands. No apology for you. You guys freak out at every little thing, and frankly, I’m sick of it. The sudden drop in blood sugar is just the pancreas doing their job. It’s really, REALLY, nothing to worry about. The adrenaline you’re releasing is doing nothing more than wigging me out, and breaking down into more sugar, making the poor pancreas work even harder. Shame on you. Whoa! Whoa! Calm down! That’s exactly what I’m talking about. I’m not attacking you. Just calm the hell down, and cut it out with the fight-or-flight.

Pituitary? Hypothalamus? I don’t know what you guys are doing up there, but I have a sneaking suspicion you guys are the only ones keeping this boat together. Good work guys. Oh, and pituitary? Keep them endorphins coming. They’re awesome.

Finally, Kidneys. Although you’re not always seen as a member of the Endocrine team, I want you to know I appreciate your work the most. You’ve been pulling double duty, removing all this crap from my blood, while doing your very best to keep my blood pressure down. How have I repaid you? By not drinking enough water. My apologies, friend. Have a drink on me.

Your Boss,

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